Swimming Pool Massacres

In the hotter urban areas of the United States, it is often considered almost a necessity for one to own a swimming pool. However, most people don't realize or don't care how dangerous outdoor swimming pools are for insects. Every year, more than 530 million insects are scooped out of personal outdoor swimming pools, and that's still not counting the millions more that drown in public outdoor pools. However, a few simple changes of policy could drastically reduce these apocalyptic numbers.

It hardly needs to be said that a huge, olympic sized swimming pool is going to have a higher death count than the average backyard variety. Of course - a larger surface area will obviously attract a larger population of insects and thus result in more fatalities. Our goal at PETI is to outlaw any outdoor swimming pools with a surface area of more than 150 sq. ft. This is more than enough for a tolerant family of 4 or 5 to play around in, and could save the lives of millions of insects.

However, even if the above law is passed, insects will still be drowning by the millions. To lower the death count even more, the below graph, taken from a survey in Phoenix, Arizona, is very insightful:

As you can see, most insects come out during the morning and evening, tending to seek refuge from the blazing sun. Thus, most insect deaths happen between 9 P.M. and 7 A.M. You could concievably lower the fatality rate by having the pools covered during these "massacre" hours.

While this may seem to be an obvious and simple way to save the lives of insects everywhere, the lazy, selfish, unusually attractive middle class are to lazy to cover up their pool when they're done using it - maybe they think it's funner to examine the mangled and bloated bodies of the 530 million insects they pull out of their pools, so they can at least enjoy the slaughter they are causing. It's typical bigotry and intolerance such as this that has hindered our program more than anything else over the years, and caused the death of hundreds of millions of helpless insects. You see all these wealthy people sitting in their olympic sized swimming pools by themselves, probably enjoying watching the bugs drowning and thrashing around in his oversized, over expensive pool that he probably paid for by exploiting capitalism and the unsuspecting public, just the same as he did to the insects he fishes out of his pool every morning.

Such intolerance such as this must be stopped at all costs; e-mail us at PETI and tell us how you feel about outdoor swimming pools. If we can get 100,000 signatures, we will send a petition to the Governor of Arizona requesting that swimming pools be closer regulated. With luck and determination, we will save the lives of millions of insects, despite the objections of the bigoted swimming pool owners.